________ vs. Zombies is apparently a big thing. I have already seen Strippers vs. Zombies and Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies, and will almost certainly regret watching Bigfoot vs. Zombies, which is lurking near the top of my Amazon Prime Watchlist. (For the record, Strippers was okay, and Pro Wrestlers is one of the worst movies I've ever seen.) But today, I watch Navy Seals vs. Zombies (aka Navy Seals: The Battle for New Orleans) on Netflix. It's not a very good movie, but it's not actively bad either. It's just kind of there.
My Synopsis: You get one guess. If you said Navy Seals fight zombies, step up and collect your prize! I guess the one detail worth noting - they're fast/rage zombies, not Romeros.
Elaborate Genre: Action Adventure, feat. zombies
Overall: Not good, but not usually offensive. Certainly not engaging though. It probably registers in your brain about the same as watching a blank screen for 90 minutes. Unless you're a fan of beards - there's some really nice ones here.
Honestly, Navy Seals vs. Zombies feels like an above average, non-mock-buster Asylum flick. It was actually produced by Hollywood Media Bridge, which judging by the titles on imdb are known for dumb horror (Gnome Alone, Lost Boys: The Thirst) and Cutesy Animal Movies (The Three Dogateers, Arlo: The Burping Pig). But it's got all the hallmarks of an Asylum film - the concept selling title, the story that allows the characters to just wander from one cheap set to another, and the dogdy CG effects. My goodness, do the fires and explosions here look bad. Oh, and you can't forget the gimmicky casting. Here, you get Basketball's Rick Fox (billed second despite being onscreen for maybe a minute), TNA wrasslin's Chad "Gunnar"Lail, and The American Ninja himself Micheal Dudikoff.
The actual plot? New Orleans (although I think it's Baton Rouge - and even named as such in the film) has been overrun by rage zombies, represented by stock footage of riots from all over the world. Most of the (weak) zombie story is told via newscast on ZNN. A team of Navy Seals is sent to rescue Vice President Rick Fox, and then is ordered to go across town to rescue the only scientist that may have the cure for the zombie plague. The team features Leader (Ed Quinn, looking a lot like B-Movie Bradley Cooper), some other guys with various qualities of beards (Gunnar wins hands down - that thing is hypnotic!), and our hero AJ. You know he's the hero because he's (1) new to the team, (2) a babyface with no facial hair, and (3) got a pregnant wife at home. Zombie mayhem ensues, they rescue some stragglers, people die, etc. Nothing new here, besides the occasional use of some FPS-like footage while they wander around town. (But strangely, not while they're actually shooting. I guess it's cheaper that way?)
Nothing in the film really clicks. It's a pretty paint by numbers 2010 military v. hordes of evil flick. The action is competently done, and you can usually tell what's going on. Which is a weird compliment to have to give, but that's where we are with cheap zombie flicks these days. The gore is your standard CG tomfoolery. It doesn't have as many zombies getting shot in the head as something like Dead 7 (speaking of the Asylum), where it happens so often it basically means nothing. But there's still an adequate amount of zombie mayhem here.
The acting is mostly fine. Again, like most of Navy Seals vs. Zombies, it's just uninspired. Our seals just pretty much sit there and look tough and periodically use military jargon. Although a quick imdb perusal shows that three of the five of them have legit military experience, which you have to respect. When our hero AJ has to hide his emotion when talking on the phone with his concerned wife, you just don't care. Not because it's poorly done or anything - it's just a tired story. Intoxicating beards aside, no one really sticks out, good or bad. One guy in the beginning of the film has a pretty funny ill-fitting suit. So that's never good, when a couple-sizes-too-big suit steals the show.
I makes me wonder if we're just seeing a lot more stuff like this due to the shift in the movie watching landscape - that providers like Netflix are so hungry for content that they throw anything on there provided it has an appealing title or a recognizable star. Navy Seals vs. Zombies just barely clears the bar of being a passable action/zombie hybrid. I'm not saying it's good - it's just a low bar in my opinion. So through *those* rose colored glasses, Navy Seals vs. Zombies is a success. But those are pretty shitty colored roses.
I would not recommend this film.
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