11/30/16 - Satanic (2016)

Satanic kind of pissed me off. More than most bad movies I see. Not because I was upset with the portrayal of Satanism or anything. Which I know nothing about, to be honest. Watching a lot of horror movies and listening to metal doesn't amount to much in that department. (Although I bet the characters in Satanic would tell you otherwise.) But Satanic commits two unforgivable sins: (1) it treats you like an idiot, and (2) it creates tremendously annoying characters, and then doesn't give you the satisfaction of watching them die. Boo on you, movie.

11/29/16 - The Death of April (2012)

The Death of April starts out really frighteningly. And not in an "oh my, this is scary" way - more like an "oh no, is this whole damn thing shot on a laptop?" kind of way. Turns out, it's about a young woman (confusingly not April) who kept a regularly updated video diary when she moved from California to the East Coast. But strange things are afoot in her new apartment, and luckily her video diary was there to document them.

And luckily for us, the video diary isn't the sole means of telling her story. The Death of April is set up as a documentary - so while the diary plays a big part, you also get interviews with friends, family, paranormal researchers, etc.

11/28/16 - The Giant Claw (1957)

The Giant Claw is pretty much perfect as far as super cheesy 50s monster flicks go. It's corny, kind of stupid, and overly earnest but still really fun. It moves briskly and has a goofy looking monster that you see cause a decent amount of destruction. Good times all around.

11/27/16 - Dark Amazon (2014)

Alexis, take me to Dark Amazon - where you can buy drugs and guns with one-click shopping? Or Dark Amazon Smile, where .05 % of your snuff film purchases will go to a charity of your choice!

Obviously, no. I doubt the fine folks at amazon.com would allow for such a thing to happen. This Dark Amazon is a crappy found footage jam about some folks searching for a cure for cancer in the Amazon. Rainforest, that is. Do you think kids today even know that the Amazon is actually a place and not a website?

Anyways, Big Spoilers ahead for a movie that I think you shouldn't see.

11/26/16 - Body (2015)

I think there should be some sort of genre/term for films where the characters back into a horrific situation by making really poor decisions. You know, where a group of generally okay people are innocently hanging out, an accident happens, and then it all goes to shit because of infighting or deciding to zig when you *clearly* should zag. (You know what, I'm making a "Bad Choices" tag. We'll see how much use that gets.) That's what's happening in Body, and it's kind of a horror movie by default. There's not a lot of blood or gore or anything, but these three women make a bad situation terrible, solely by their own making.

This is going to be a short and vague write-up. Body is the kind of movie where the plot is the movie, so describing it would basically ruin it. And it's a pretty decent watch. The set-up gives you a little to think about, and overall the film is well executed. It's not must-see, but it's solid.

11/25/16 - The Funhouse (1981)

Funhouse? More like Not-so-Funhouse, amirite? I just expected more from this film, I guess. What with the Tobe Hooper brand and the can't miss "slasher at a carnival" premise. (Both of which, it turns out, very much can miss.) The opening credits are pretty solid and are the highlight of the film. They're just tightly framed shots of creepy animatronics from around an old, rickety carnival funhouse. Unfortunately, it's pretty much downhill from there.

Especially when the very first thing you get (post-credits) is a shower scene with nudity from an actress that looks about 15. She was actually 18 or 19 at the time, but still. It's disconcerting, and not in a good way. Anyways, her little shit brother scares her - he grabs a bunch of horror paraphernalia from his room and pranks her by pretending to stab her while she's showering. First, gross. Second, it's set up like this kid will have *something* to do with the story. And while he hangs out at the periphery of the plot, he's literally a nothing character. It's hard to say why he's even in the film, other than to just pad the runtime. Maybe he had something better to do (like get killed?) in a different version of the script, but as it is he's just a waste of space.

11/24/16 - The Revenge of Frankenstein (1958)

More Hammer Horror. And it's still pretty darn good. I'll have to see if it's Mr. Peter Cushing that's giving me the vapors, or Mr. Terrence Fisher, who has directed all of the Hammer Horror up to this point. (And both seem to be involved with the next couple too - so, something to look forward to.) By all accounts, The Revenge of Frankenstein was shot almost directly after The Horror of Dracula (apparently even using some of the same sets), so I guess they were on a hot streak and just went with it.